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Occasionally, I like to add a few things to my ‘toy box’. Not an easy task, given the selection available these days, but generally worth the time spent browsing through countless jelly vibes, rabbit vibrators, strap-on items and so forth. Hell, even the names are entertaining, am I right?
It’s always a bit like Christmas as a kid when your plain brown package arrives. You never know if it’s going to give you as much pleasure as a Barbie’s Dream House did or be like the sweaters Aunt Mary used to knit for you—something you throw in a drawer and forget about.
I’ve been buying personal pleasure items for years, and I’ve had some really wonderful surprises. Of course, I’ve had lots of ‘Aunt Mary’s sweaters’ too, but what I have never had until the other day, was instructions.
I don’t mean ‘unscrew this and put batteries here’ instructions, I mean actual instructions on how to use a vibrator.
For some reason, I found this both hilarious and redundant. It seems to me that if you’re in the market for a vibrator, you’ve got a fairly good idea what you want to do with it.
Surely, the name alone implies what you want it for. Let’s see what the old dictionary has to say… vibrator |ˈvaɪˈbreɪdər|
Noun -- a device that vibrates or causes vibration, in particular
• a device used for massage or sexual stimulation.
Yes, just as I suspected, you use a vibrator for vibration, especially on your naughty bits.
After perusing their instructions, I thought, hmm, those are a bit shit. I think I’ll write my own set of instructions.
I’ve done them in two parts, just to make sure you get the most out of the experience.
1. Get batteries.
2. Insert batteries in vibrator.
3. Turn vibrator on.
4. Place vibrator where you think it feels best. (There’s no right or wrong area here, so get wild and crazy.)
5. Let the vibrator vibrate.
6. Rinse and repeat.
1. The clitoris is generally found about five minutes after your partner has rolled over, snoring, and very pleased with himself for having ‘given it to you good.”
2. Once you’ve located the clitoris, it becomes overwhelmingly obvious why you and your partner have different definitions of ‘good.’ It’s at this juncture that I recommend having a fresh supply of batteries nearby. Trust me, you don’t want to be looking all over for batteries while embarking on your journey to self-satisfaction.
3. Feel free to experiment, we all know that this is likely to be the only time you have this much enjoyment without having to pretend you want to cuddle afterward.
4. If your partner isn’t a heavy sleeper, a separate bedroom is wonderful.
5. Use the tool for the job. (Sometimes our partners are woefully ill equipped, now is your chance to make up for nature’s lack of consideration.)
6. Have an attractive box to pack your toys in. I find this particularly handy at the airport luggage check-in.
If after this you still aren’t sure what to do with a vibrator, I suggest a nunnery.
