If I could close my heart as dutifully as I open my legs to the disappointment, what dark streets might my feet wander? Would I finally inhabit the world you, in all your naiveté couldn’t brace?
Instead of this caricature of heaven, I’d dangle on the edge of a knife blade, between breath and heartbeat, uncertain of either following one after another, more alive in that instant than in all the soul-numbing decades combined.
I’m not your pet, your princess or priority, nor am I your flower, your love, or the answer to years of prayers.
The palest rose still bears thorns. Yes, even on those delicate stems pain is delivered by a prick. And the trouble with paradise is-- someone else designed it.
Occasionally, I like to add a few things to my ‘toy box’. Not an easy task, given the selection available these days, but generally worth the time spent browsing through countless jelly vibes, rabbit vibrators, strap-on items and so forth. Hell, even the names are entertaining, am I right?
It’s always a bit like Christmas as a kid when your plain brown package arrives. You never know if it’s going to give you as much pleasure as a Barbie’s Dream House did or be like the sweaters Aunt Mary used to knit for you—something you throw in a drawer and forget about.
I’ve been buying personal pleasure items for years, and I’ve had some really wonderful surprises. Of course, I’ve had lots of ‘Aunt Mary’s sweaters’ too, but what I have never had until the other day, was instructions.
I don’t mean ‘unscrew this and put batteries here’ instructions, I mean actual instructions on how to use a vibrator.
For some reason, I found this both hilarious and redundant. It seems to me that if you’re in the market for a vibrator, you’ve got a fairly good idea what you want to do with it.
Surely, the name alone implies what you want it for. Let’s see what the old dictionary has to say… vibrator |ˈvaɪˈbreɪdər|
Noun -- a device that vibrates or causes vibration, in particular
• a device used for massage or sexual stimulation.
Yes, just as I suspected, you use a vibrator for vibration, especially on your naughty bits.
After perusing their instructions, I thought, hmm, those are a bit shit. I think I’ll write my own set of instructions.
I’ve done them in two parts, just to make sure you get the most out of the experience.
1. Get batteries.
2. Insert batteries in vibrator.
3. Turn vibrator on.
4. Place vibrator where you think it feels best. (There’s no right or wrong area here, so get wild and crazy.)
5. Let the vibrator vibrate.
6. Rinse and repeat.
1. The clitoris is generally found about five minutes after your partner has rolled over, snoring, and very pleased with himself for having ‘given it to you good.”
2. Once you’ve located the clitoris, it becomes overwhelmingly obvious why you and your partner have different definitions of ‘good.’It’s at this juncture that I recommend having a fresh supply of batteries nearby. Trust me, you don’t want to be looking all over for batteries while embarking on your journey to self-satisfaction.
3. Feel free to experiment, we all know that this is likely to be the only time you have this much enjoyment without having to pretend you want to cuddle afterward.
4. If your partner isn’t a heavy sleeper, a separate bedroom is wonderful.
5. Use the tool for the job. (Sometimes our partners are woefully ill equipped, now is your chance to make up for nature’s lack of consideration.)
6. Have an attractive box to pack your toys in. I find this particularly handy at the airport luggage check-in.
If after this you still aren’t sure what to do with a vibrator, I suggest a nunnery.
1. Appearances: He looks as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth. What you're thinking: Could you please show me the way to the bad boys? Reality: What he does with butter is illegal in forty-two of the fifty states.
2. Appearances: He’s polite, attentive and considerate. What you're thinking: Too sweet. Reality: He does things to you that make you want to go to confession. (And sing from the rooftops, “Ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you.”)
3. Appearances: He looks like one of those guys who spent most of his weekends playing scrabble. What you're thinking: Brainy but boring. Reality: You suddenly feel the need for new adjectives to describe how incredible the sex is and could qualify for the space program when he's done sending you into outer space.
4. Appearances: He’s the type of guy you take home to meet the family. What you're thinking: My family would ditch me and keep him. Reality: You send the family a postcard from the bedroom saying, “I’m glad you’re not here.”
5.Appearances: He looks wet behind the ears. What you're thinking: Inexperienced. Reality: He makes you so wet you’ve had to buy plastic sheets.
6. Appearances: He’s in fair shape. What you're thinking: I’d break him in half. Reality: He makes the terminator look like a pantywaist. I mean this man puts the energizer bunny to shame and you start to wonder if demons drive Fords.
7. Appearances: He’ll be perfect in about ten years. What you're thinking: I envy the woman he’s with in ten years. Reality: You’d have to pry him loose from my cold, dead hands!
Or maybe it never got started. Here’s some sure fire ways to know if you’re with a sleeping lion or just a plain old napping cat.
Most of us have had situations arise in our sex lives that have given us pause, but how can we be sure if there’s reason to worry? I’ve taken the liberty of giving you a few examples and should they resemble anything you’ve heard from your partner, run!
1.You are feeling amorous and whisper to him that you’d love to go back to bed and make love.
To which he replies, “I wish you’d have told me that before I showered. I’m all clean now!” (If this were indicative of his implying that he had really dirty sex in mind, I might have been sympathetic, as it was, he meant that he didn’t want to get ‘sweaty’ after having a shower.)
2.You’re in bed together and while kissing him, you ask if he would like to have his world rocked.
He answers, “You know how sick I get on rides.”
3.Thinking you’ll surprise him; you put on a lovely piece of lingerie and perfume, sliding up next to him you say, “Honey, let’s do something different and fun, what do you say?”
With a straight face, he states, “I’ve just got undressed.” (Cue to take up knitting.)
4.At some point, you forgo even trying to be seductive and just come out with something like “Wanna fuck?”
Whereby you may receive an answer that resembles this: “Go on then, I’ve got a few minutes before football starts.”
5.Trying to shock him into some sort of sexual frenzy, you say “I want you to cum all over my tits!” (That should make any man take notice, don’t you think?) You see his blank stare and ask, “How does that sound?”
He sits looking bewildered before answering, “That sounds rather delightful.” (I thought to myself, No one is THAT English and reached for the chocolate.)
And lastly, you know that the honeymoon is over if you suddenly develop a new appreciation for anatomy, because you’re happy to find urine dribbles on the toilet seat.
Jolen Whitworth is a full-blooded Celtic poetess born in Chicago, Illinois. As a Mother, Grandmother and Witch, she developed a challenging, inspirational and passionate voice. Her work is accessible, honest and striking. She’s outspoken, generous and tireless in her dedication to her craft.
Over the last few years, Jolen has developed into a skilled Romantic poet who let nothing stand in her way to establishing an authoritative poetic voice. It is the voice of the disinherited, the broken and the lost transfigured by a lyrical, visionary glimpse into the redemptive power of love
Jolen lives in Leeds, England with her husband, where she works as an editor and administrator of a creative writing site. Her work has been featured in several anthologies, magazines and online communities. She enjoys competitions and her work has won numerous awards.
Besides poetry, Jolen writes fiction, erotica and songs. She is a proud member of the Society of Women Writers and Journalists as well as the Poets and Writers Society. Along with her two writing partners, she helped create the formidable trio known as Bad Penny Productions.
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